Friday, December 25, 2009

Second Christmas

Well yesterday was Bryce's second christmas with out us,
it was quite upsetting, i was trying to stay happy for jason as it being his first
though i didnt feel right being happy knowing that he would like to be here as well
Bryce's yellow butterfly came and visited me yesterday before any one showed up and i wished him a merry christmas
the butterfly landed right beside me and sat there for about 10 mins, i new it was bryce, I am sure he would of loved ebinghere if he was able to
i just miss him so much
Merry christmas Bryce

Saturday, October 31, 2009

Missing him Deeply

I seem to be missing Bryce so much more these days,
I have been told by several people that the pain will ease one day, and instead of it hurting i will be able to smile,
I am starting to hate my self, as i am forgetting what he looked like, what he felt like, what he smelt like
I wish that i held him for longer and talked to him more.....
as i know i wil never be able to do this again

its been jsut over 18 months since my special little man grew his wings and wanted to see what heven was like before mummy and daddy,
it still feels like yesterday I miss him so much

i dont go out and visit him as much as what i should any more as its hard to becuase everytime i go out there with Jason he doesnt like it and we have to leave as jason screams the place down,

Im waiting untl i get my comuter back and i will be making a special video of bryce, with the photos of my belly with him, his ultrasound photos the photos that the funeral home got for us and also the photos of his final resting place,
Its going to be hard to make it though i at least owe Bryce that amount of respect

Sunday, October 11, 2009

Good Days, Bad Days

as we all know we have our good days and then we have our bad days,
I have been having quiet a few good days, though i jsut read of a lady who lost her little boy to SIDS and he was only 11.5 weeks old,
My heart just broke for her, i dont know what its like to loose a child to SIDS thoughi do know what it is like to loose a child,
if i could Please get all you ladies to pray for Jackie, and he family for the loss of you son Kai,

My heart breaks so bad when i see something like this as no parent should have to go through this,
though please may i ask everyone for there support for Jackie and her family in this time in need
Thank you

Thursday, October 1, 2009

a big thank youto carly for doing this for me

Bryce's page and sunset

Sunday, September 27, 2009

17 months

so its been jsut over 17 months since my little man grew his wings,
everyone told me that it gets easyer, though i still remember the day like it was just yesterday, the voice of the doctor telling me "im sorry there is nothingwe can do, you are going to have your little boy today",
i still remember the heart ake in my husbands eye and i still remember the piece of my heart that was taken that day,
i dont think it gets easyer.......

some days i really need to think about what he looked like, what he felt like and what he smelt like,
some days i cant really remember and others its clear as anything

i love you litle man

Sunday, September 13, 2009


hey guys i jsut wanted to give this link to you all to have a look at,
i have decided to do a blog for this little pumpkin,
so feel free to read and keep updated

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Baby number 3

hey guys so sorry i have been really quite for a while now,
Jason has been keeping me on my toes lol
though yeah about a week ago i found out that daniel and i are expecting baby number #3, i took another pregnancy test this morning and plain as all day there were 2 lines,
Im shocked and scared and thrilled all at the same time i really dont know how to feel,
Im so so so scared that i am going to go into pre term labour again, and i would really love to go full term
I have a doctors apointment tomorrow to get a refferal for an ultrasound, so i can find out how far along i am,
As a few ladies that i have spoken to have said that the + line was really dark for only being 8DPO so either i am further along or its twins,
i guess we jsut have to wait and see

Thursday, July 23, 2009


um the other day i was hit by a car( i got reversedinto) the car was going to hit my shopping trolly with jason in it so i jumped infront and copped the full blast of it
Jason is ok though not hartmed at all
i coped a pretty bad hit to the hip, and i have re craked my hip again, (this is now the 3rd time it has been cracked)
so yeah i went to the doctor he sent me for x-rays, and yeah he told me not to have any more children for 5 to 10 years, though he advises that i dont have any more at all, because my hip is that stuffed now i will not be able to carry any more,
i know that i have jason and i am so so so greatful
thoughits jsut heartbreaking being 23 and being told that i can not have any more kids,

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Ways to remember

I have been trying to think of ways to remember Bryce, i know i will never forget him as i have parts of him up and around the house (his little things) i would love to dosomething for other mums, to let them knw they are not alone, thogh i jsut dont know what....

does anyone have any suggestions?

Thursday, July 2, 2009

More photos of Bryce

hi girls there isnt a post here jsut photos thank you for taking the time to look
I just cant let go... i know i need to though i just cant, they ssay its ment to get easyer though its not, it still feels like it was yesterday we had Bryce and for them saying they cant do anything to help him "we advise you jsut holdhim until he passes"
i still remember the moment he passed away, and stopped kicking :(

taken from a lady by the mane of Amber22406 off fertility Friend

this is the link to post

What Not to Say

When trying to help a woman who has lost a baby, the best rule of thumb is a matter of manners: don't offer your personal opinion of her life, her choices, her prospects for children. No woman is looking to poll her acquaintances for their opinions on why it happened or how she should cope.

• Don't say, "It's God's Will." Even if we are members of the same congregation, unless you are a cleric and I am seeking your spiritual counseling, please don't presume to tell me what God wants for me. Besides, many terrible things are God's Will, that doesn't make them less terrible.

• Don't say, "It was for the best - there was probably something wrong with your baby." The fact that something was wrong with the baby is what is making me so sad. My poor baby never had a chance. Please don't try to comfort me by pointing that out.

• Don't say, "You can always have another one." This baby was never disposable. If had been given the choice between loosing this child or stabbing my eye out with a fork, I would have said, "Where's the fork?" I would have died for this baby, just as you would die for your children.

• Don't say, "Be grateful for the children you have." If your mother died in a terrible wreck and you grieved, would that make you less grateful to have your father?

• Don't say, "Thank God you lost the baby before you really loved it." I loved my son or daughter. Whether I lost the baby after two weeks of pregnancy or just after birth, I loved him or her.

• Don't say, "Isn't it time you got over this and moved on?" It's not something I enjoy, being grief-stricken. I wish it had never happened. But it did and it's a part of me forever. The grief will ease on its own timeline, not mine - or yours.

• Don't say, "Now you have an angel watching over you." I didn't want her to be my angel. I wanted her to bury me in my old age.

• Don't say, "I understand how you feel." Unless you've lost a child, you really don't understand how I feel. And even if you have lost a child, everyone experiences grief differently.

• Don't tell me horror stories of your neighbor or cousin or mother who had it worse. The last thing I need to hear right now is that it is possible to have this happen six times, or that I could carry until two days before my due-date and labor 20 hours for a dead baby. These stories frighten and horrify me and leave me up at night weeping in despair. Even if they have a happy ending, do not share these stories with me.

• Don't pretend it didn't happen and don't change the subject when I bring it up. If I say, "Before the baby died" or "when I was pregnant" don't get scared. If I'm talking about it, it means I want to. Let me. Pretending it didn't happen will only make me feel utterly alone.

• Don't say, "It's not your fault." It may not have been my fault, but it was my responsibility and I failed. The fact that I never stood a chance of succeeding only makes me feel worse. This tiny little being depended upon me to bring him safely into the world and I couldn't do it. I was supposed to care for him for a lifetime, but I couldn't even give him a childhood. I am so angry at my body you just can't imagine.

• Don't say, "Well, you weren't too sure about this baby, anyway." I already feel so guilty about ever having complained about morning sickness, or a child I wasn't prepared for, or another mouth to feed that we couldn't afford. I already fear that this baby died because I didn't take the vitamins, or drank too much coffee, or had alcohol in the first few weeks when I didn't know I was pregnant. I hate myself for any minute that I had reservations about this baby. Being unsure of my pregnancy isn't the same as wanting my child to die - I never would have chosen for this to happen.

• Do say, "I am so sorry." That's enough. You don't need to be eloquent. Say it and mean it and it will matter.

• Do say, "You're going to be wonderful parents some day," or "You're wonderful parents and that baby was lucky to have you." We both need to hear that.

• Do say, "I have lit a candle for your baby," or "I have said a prayer for your baby." Do send flowers or a kind note - every one I receive makes me feel as though my baby was loved. Don't resent it if I don't respond. Don't call more than once and don't be angry if the machine is on and I don't return your call. If we're close friends and I am not responding to your attempts to help me, please don't resent that, either. Help me by not needing anything from me for a while.

If you're my boss or my co-worker:

• Do recognize that I have suffered a death in my family - not a medical condition.

• Do recognize that in addition to the physical aftereffects I may experience, I'm going to be grieving for quite some time. Please treat me as you would any person who has endured the tragic death of a loved one - I need time and space.

Please don't bring your baby or toddler into the workplace. If your niece is pregnant, or your daughter just had a baby, please don't share that with me right now. It's not that I can't be happy for anyone else, it's that every smiling, cooing baby, every glowing new mother makes me ache so deep in my heart I can barely stand it. I may look okay to you, but there's a good chance that I'm still crying every day. It may be weeks before I can go a whole hour without thinking about it. You'll know when I'm ready - I'll be the one to say, "Did your daughter have her baby?" or, "How is that precious little boy of yours? I haven't seen him around the office in a while."

Above all, please remember that this is the worst thing that ever happened to me. The word "miscarriage" is small and easy. But my baby's death is monolithic and awful. It's going to take me a while to figure out how to live with it. Bear with me.

Tuesday, June 30, 2009


I’m sorry i’m not your little angel any more.
I’m sorry I stopped to care
I’m sorry I never stoped to listend to you dad,
I guess it was all just fear.

I no i’m not the little girl i was before
I no im not the little angel that you used to adore.

I’m not the little sweet girl that used to bring you your coffee in bed,
When you had to much to drink and had your sore head.

As i know i’m not as sweet as sugar
But no one goes through life with a golden feather

I’m sorry dad Im not like you
Im sorry our father daughter relationship is through

Im all grown up now

As hard as it is for me to say,

Its time for me to spread my wings

And fly away

You have always been there for me
but now that i need you the most
You want nothing to do with me
And thats what hurts the most

I’m sorry Please forgive me
its time for me to go
Im sorry that i hurt you dad
thats all i needed you to know

Sunday, June 28, 2009

I wish

I wish i knew what to say
to make all the pain jsut go away
I wish i knew what was happening
before it all happend
I wish i knew now
what i knew then
I wish i held you for longer
instead of pushinig you away
I wish i looked in to your eyes
and said i love you more times than i did
I wish you were here now,
and not jsut in my dreams
I wish you were here now
so you could be apart of our family even more
I widh i had the strength
to take your brother down to meet you
I wish i had the courage
to make every day hurt less
I wish you was here now,
instead ill close my eyes
and see you there

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

every now and agan

Every now and again i jsut sit and wonder, i wonder how life could be and why it has turned out like this?
Everyone tells me that things happen for a reason, and i know this,
So as much as it hurts i think i should/need to let Byce go, i have his stuff around our house that remind me of him i also have his photo up :) and his little brother remindes me jsut of him so in everyway i have bryce around me all the time, it does hurt like hell to let go, though yeah life does move one, and i am sure he would want me to be happy

Sunday, June 14, 2009

not a good day :(

Well today isnt a good day for me, i keep getting flash backs of Bryce and its ripping my heart out so much,

i regret not holding him for htat long, i regret not tellimng him i loved him that much on the day, i regret not giving him a kiss,

these are the things i should of done, i cant do them now,
when the nurse brought him over to me i pushed them away.....

i wish i held him for longer,

i jsut want him back,, i want jason to have his older brother back.....
its so not fair how can god take a child away....
i know i should be happy because i have Jason and i am, though it doesnt take the pain away,
Jason looks like Bryce so much,
im not being greedy i am happy with jason i love him to death and nothing will/would ever change that, though why cant i have them both

a good firendmade this for me,

I dont know if i should print itout and frame it or cry???

It was really sweet of her though every time i look at it i cry

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Well not to much has been happening, we have jason home and things have been really hard, he has really bad reflux and colic and is really snuffley,
I still have not taken him to see Bryce yet, i really want them two to meet though i jsut dont know how to :(

Monday, June 1, 2009

Jasons Home

Well Jason is now home, he has been home since 30/509 and its now 2/06/09 i am so tired... thins are a lot differant than i thought they would be, i couldnt get him to go to sleep, and i cryed :( i think i am sick, my throat is all swollen, im dizzy tired, nose is running and all i wanna do is sleep,

Jason is now looking alot like his older brother, some nights its really hard to look at him,

Im trying to catch up on sleep though its not really happening,

daniel tries to help out though doesnt really do much he feeds him for me when i am to tired to, though i am stilw aiting for him to helop with withthe house work though i dont think thats going to happen,

sorry i havnt been on much to read other peoples journals and so forth im jsut really tired..

Wednesday, May 6, 2009


Sorry everyone that i havnt been on much, i have been trying to get things ready for Jason to come home to, its not long now until he does come home :) i Really can not wait :) and i knwo that his big brother is looking out for him :)

Saturday, April 25, 2009

3 Questions

How long has it been since you lost your child/ren? Has your grief changed at all? Is your life becoming any easier or is it just harder as time passes?

It has been 12 months and 3 days since we lost bryce, I have my good days and my bad days, atley i have had more bad days then good, Life has been getting a bit easyer as we have jsut welcomed Bryces little brother Jason into the world, Jason also looks just like Bryce so in some ways it makes it harder,

How do you feel when you see pregnant women when you are out and about?

I honestly used to hate seeing pregnent ladies around, as i used to think its not fair, why them and not me, i think the ladies must of knew buy the look on my face and how i would almost cry, they would look at me and smile to as if to say "im sorry", it took a good while for me to get over the hurt and pain of seeing pregnent ladies, though now i am fine with it, as i know a little life is so presious (sp)

Whats your therapy in the aftermath of losing your child/ren? Do you go to counseling? Do you do artwork or some kind of exercise or do you simply just let yourself be? What helps you?

i used to get therapy though i found it made me worse, i usallylisten to music to cope with it all, as Bryce used to love my singing it used to put him to sleep, so if i feel down i jsut put on some tunes and sing, sometimes i will jsut have a big cry and let it out sometimes that workes, or i jsut talk to other Angel mums and share what i am going through with them,
or if I get to bad i will go down and see Bryce and ask for the strength to get through all of it,

Friday, April 24, 2009

**update** just called the hospital to see if he has lasted at least 4 hours off the CPAP and at 8.50 they had to put him back on, he only lasted jsut over 2 and 1/2 hours off it, he had a pretty bad brady and apnia, they needed to give him stimulation and the facial oxygen I am so scared for him

Jason Update :(

ok so DH and I have jsut come back from the hospital this evening from seeing jason,And the nurses told me that he had an xray the other day of his chest, so i asked what the results where and they told me he has Chonic Lung Desise.... um hello... why didnt any one call me and tell me??????and his PDA is still open :( and he is now to old for the medication so the only way to close it if it doesnt close on its own is surgury :(:(:(:(:(:(they told me tht there is a chance that he might be sent homeon oxegyn... though he might not need if for long, though tells me not to get stressed or panik?? like WTF!!!!! my son has lung problems... and heart problems that could be fatel though dont stress??????? yeah right.......

though on some what of a good news We might be bringing Jason home as early as in 4 weeks, she said between 4 to 6 weeks and we shoudl be bringing him home

Wednesday, April 22, 2009


well we went and see bryce today and took him down a cup cake, i cryed and cryed now i am realy tired

The Day

Well the day has come :(

Happy First Angel Day Bryce,
mummy daddy and Jason love you so very much,
There isnt a day that goes by that we do not think of you
There isnt a day that goes by that we dont love
You was taken to soon
to Precious for this world
In our hearts and our minds you will forever stay

I love you Bryce and miss you so very much
Love mummy

stop tomorrow

Can someone stop tomorrow from even coming?
i dont want it to come :(

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

1 year tomorrow

Its been 1 year tomorrow since Bryce was taken for us, im not ready for htat day to come, though i know there is no stopping it, im not fully ready to say good bye,
I want him here with us, not up there,
How can i say a final good bye when i am not ready
i still think its a dream some days an di am going to wake up from it :( and he will be in my arms,
Its jsut not fair,
Why do we loose the things we love the most for

Monday, April 20, 2009

I was jsut wonderig does any one know how to add a playlist to the side of your blog?

A poem for Bryce

Would you know who i was?
If you seen my face?

Would you know my gental touch?
If i held you in my grasp

Would you know how much you would be loved
If you wasnt taken to the heavens above

Would you have wanted to go?
If it wasnt your time?

I wonder what you would look like now
Would you look like me?or would you look like your dad?
Would you be talking now?
Or better yet even walking?
You know just how much mum and dad loved you and will always love you
Wouldnt you??


Im so cranky at him, i really am,
i want to knwo what gives him the power to take away someones life? or even worse an unborn childs life? how can he have the right to do that? how does he choose the life he is taking away??

does he jsut pull that babies name out of a hat? or jsut look down on us and say oh ill take yuor baby and your baby oh and why not you look like you really want your lets jsut take yours to?

Im really sorry you guys prolly wont agree with me though i am really angree at him, what gave him the right to take my son form me? didnt he think i could give him a good enough life?
Like yeah he took Bryce away from us then blessed us with another baby Jason, though we almost lost him to, and i voweld that i would never loose jason and if he was going to take jason as well he would have to take me with him,

Though what made our little boy so special?
as selfish as this may sound wasnt there an old person that could of taken Bryces spot? or was that all planned out for him?

I dont understand how that works?
Why do we get to fall pregnent if our bodies are jsut going to take our children away from us? do they jsut want to set us up for heartbreak and sorrow???

then people tell me that he is in a better place now, no he isnt thats what hurts so much a better place for Bryce would be in his mummy and daddys arms, not on a cloud looking over us,

Im really sorry for saying all this, please do not think that i am selfish, i am jsut so angry
I jsut dont understand on how all our children can be taken away from us,

Mums Speak Out

I thought i would take the time to tell everyone who follows this blog and who also read it that my Best friend leonie and I have created a forum for other mums, to come and have support if they need it, to ask for advice, or just to make some new firends, all the ladies on here have been great towards me, they have been a lot of support, and have given it to me with the weeks leading up to Bryces first angel day,
if anyone would like to have a look around or is after some more firends please feel free to have a look around or even to join,
at the moemtn we have 2 angel mums, myself andanother lady who has been great :) we are al mums or mum to be's on the site, and i invite you all to have a look,


I have been having really weired dreams latley, most of them are vivid or they are just stupid

one of my most reacurring dreams is that i bring Jason home and he starts talking i call out to Jason though he answer "mum im not Jason i am Bryce" and then his head turns in a full 360,

So then i will wake up in a full panik

so Bryces Angel day is coming up i am going to be take a few photos of his resting palce, i will up load them then as well,

I recived my "name in the sand request" yesterday off carly they are jsut lovely

Its really amazing what life throws at you, i see a lot of Bryce in Jason and it is upsetting at times, though i feel Bryce around us when we are there visiting Jason, they were nearly identical when they were in the womb, Though Jason was ment to be a twin, i lost his little brother or sister early on in the pregnancey at like 4 to 6 weeks, so Jason is our mirical baby, and we are blessed t have him,
well thts all i can think of at the moment im sure ill be posting more through out today
Take care all
Sarah xxoo

Sunday, April 19, 2009

White Ladies

e used white ladies funeral home for Bryce's service they are a bunch of lovely ladies, expecialy one lady named Jeniffer she made the second worse day of my life more peaceful and bearable (sorry im not the best speller)

They let us have the service how we wanted it, the didnt push us for the most expencive stuff either,

And also jeniffer out of her own poket got some photos done for us of Bryce as we only had the ones from the hospital here are a few of them

She also gave me several phone calls jsut to see how i was copeing, though the one thing that surprised me the most was she took her weekend during the week so she could be at the service for Bryce (it was on a saturday)
sorry for once again posting about bryce i jsut wantd to share that with you all
once again
take care all
Love sarah


So my partner and i are starting to get ready for Bryce's first angel day, as it is really hard for the both of us we dont talk about it, i found that the web site has really helped me and the lovely carly inside, i read the stories in there and i cry and in some ways as bad as this sounds its good to know that i am not allown with the hurt that i am carrying,

i now dont feel as guilty as what i used to,

I still blame my slef for not going to the hospital in time with bryce, after calling the hospital to tell them that i was having pains they told me it was only braxton hixs and not to worry about it, that was at 6 am ont he 23/04/08, i called a friend of mine as i was really scared and didnt know what to do, though deep down i knew what was going on i jsut didnt want to face it, 9is that normal??)

at about 9am my firend showed up to take me back to her place, at this stage the pains were coming and going, though it was about a 30min trip to her place, i got there made a coffee, went to the toilet started getting some more pains, so i went to check my cervix to make sure i hadnt started to diolate, though i was really swollen on the inside

I went out and told danielle what was going on and that i had started to bleed,

Then the pain had hit, i am on all fours at her back door panting like a dog, and screeming out its to soon its to soon,

the hospital tells danielle to bring me up to get checked out so she puts me in the car with a towel under me, the pains get worse, at this stage they are about 2 to 5 mins apart lasting form 1 to 5 mins,

I really felt like i was going to die, i have never been in so much pain in my life,

I get up to the hospital they take me into a room and the doctor comes in to check me out, i will never forget the words she told

"im sorry there is nothing we can do you are 8cm, you son is being born today im sorry"

in an instant my heart smashed into a lot of tiny pieces,

I got danielle to call my husband he came straight in, i dont really remember to much of what happend,

i know i was bleeding a heap, they said that i lost just under 2L of blood in 4 hours, i had to have 2 blood transfusions, and an epidural as they thought i had to go for an emergancey c section,

then we had a lady come in and tell us that Bryce would only have a 20% chance of surviving and ot of that 20% there was a 50% chance that he would not make it through the night

so daniel and i had to play god, either get bryce worked on even though he might not make it or jsut hold him untill he passed away in our arms, it was the hardest decision daniel and i ever had to make,

So we decided to just hold him, though 30 mins before i have him he passed away as i couldnt feel him move or kick me and the nurse couldnt find his heart beat,

I remember getting al tired and dizzy then the doctors and dnaiel yelling at me breath sarah breath, stay with us, you need to breath,

though thats all i can realy remember thoughi no at 3.45pm 23/04/08 little bryce was born weighing 595 grams 29 cms long and had a head size of 21.5 cms,

we buried him the day beofre mothers day,
im sorry its really sad though i jsut wanted to let everone now

Friday, April 17, 2009

Not to Long to go

Well its not long now until bryce's first birthday or now as i call it his angel day, the day that we had him seems so close like it was only yesterday not 1 year ago


hello everyone and welcome to my journey through life, after having a little angel, then several months later giving birth to his little angel,
I was suggested to write a blod to help let out the stress i am holding on to and also to get all my emotions out on paper, there will be good entries and bad entries,
It is late here know though i willpost more tomorrow