Tuesday, June 30, 2009


I’m sorry i’m not your little angel any more.
I’m sorry I stopped to care
I’m sorry I never stoped to listend to you dad,
I guess it was all just fear.

I no i’m not the little girl i was before
I no im not the little angel that you used to adore.

I’m not the little sweet girl that used to bring you your coffee in bed,
When you had to much to drink and had your sore head.

As i know i’m not as sweet as sugar
But no one goes through life with a golden feather

I’m sorry dad Im not like you
Im sorry our father daughter relationship is through

Im all grown up now

As hard as it is for me to say,

Its time for me to spread my wings

And fly away

You have always been there for me
but now that i need you the most
You want nothing to do with me
And thats what hurts the most

I’m sorry Please forgive me
its time for me to go
Im sorry that i hurt you dad
thats all i needed you to know

Sunday, June 28, 2009

I wish

I wish i knew what to say
to make all the pain jsut go away
I wish i knew what was happening
before it all happend
I wish i knew now
what i knew then
I wish i held you for longer
instead of pushinig you away
I wish i looked in to your eyes
and said i love you more times than i did
I wish you were here now,
and not jsut in my dreams
I wish you were here now
so you could be apart of our family even more
I widh i had the strength
to take your brother down to meet you
I wish i had the courage
to make every day hurt less
I wish you was here now,
instead ill close my eyes
and see you there

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

every now and agan

Every now and again i jsut sit and wonder, i wonder how life could be and why it has turned out like this?
Everyone tells me that things happen for a reason, and i know this,
So as much as it hurts i think i should/need to let Byce go, i have his stuff around our house that remind me of him i also have his photo up :) and his little brother remindes me jsut of him so in everyway i have bryce around me all the time, it does hurt like hell to let go, though yeah life does move one, and i am sure he would want me to be happy

Sunday, June 14, 2009

not a good day :(

Well today isnt a good day for me, i keep getting flash backs of Bryce and its ripping my heart out so much,

i regret not holding him for htat long, i regret not tellimng him i loved him that much on the day, i regret not giving him a kiss,

these are the things i should of done, i cant do them now,
when the nurse brought him over to me i pushed them away.....

i wish i held him for longer,

i jsut want him back,, i want jason to have his older brother back.....
its so not fair how can god take a child away....
i know i should be happy because i have Jason and i am, though it doesnt take the pain away,
Jason looks like Bryce so much,
im not being greedy i am happy with jason i love him to death and nothing will/would ever change that, though why cant i have them both

a good firendmade this for me,

I dont know if i should print itout and frame it or cry???

It was really sweet of her though every time i look at it i cry

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Well not to much has been happening, we have jason home and things have been really hard, he has really bad reflux and colic and is really snuffley,
I still have not taken him to see Bryce yet, i really want them two to meet though i jsut dont know how to :(

Monday, June 1, 2009

Jasons Home

Well Jason is now home, he has been home since 30/509 and its now 2/06/09 i am so tired... thins are a lot differant than i thought they would be, i couldnt get him to go to sleep, and i cryed :( i think i am sick, my throat is all swollen, im dizzy tired, nose is running and all i wanna do is sleep,

Jason is now looking alot like his older brother, some nights its really hard to look at him,

Im trying to catch up on sleep though its not really happening,

daniel tries to help out though doesnt really do much he feeds him for me when i am to tired to, though i am stilw aiting for him to helop with withthe house work though i dont think thats going to happen,

sorry i havnt been on much to read other peoples journals and so forth im jsut really tired..