Bryce

So my partner and i are starting to get ready for Bryce's first angel day, as it is really hard for the both of us we dont talk about it, i found that the web site http://www.namesinthesand.net/ has really helped me and the lovely carly inside, i read the stories in there and i cry and in some ways as bad as this sounds its good to know that i am not allown with the hurt that i am carrying,

i now dont feel as guilty as what i used to,

I still blame my slef for not going to the hospital in time with bryce, after calling the hospital to tell them that i was having pains they told me it was only braxton hixs and not to worry about it, that was at 6 am ont he 23/04/08, i called a friend of mine as i was really scared and didnt know what to do, though deep down i knew what was going on i jsut didnt want to face it, 9is that normal??)

at about 9am my firend showed up to take me back to her place, at this stage the pains were coming and going, though it was about a 30min trip to her place, i got there made a coffee, went to the toilet started getting some more pains, so i went to check my cervix to make sure i hadnt started to diolate, though i was really swollen on the inside

I went out and told danielle what was going on and that i had started to bleed,

Then the pain had hit, i am on all fours at her back door panting like a dog, and screeming out its to soon its to soon,

the hospital tells danielle to bring me up to get checked out so she puts me in the car with a towel under me, the pains get worse, at this stage they are about 2 to 5 mins apart lasting form 1 to 5 mins,

I really felt like i was going to die, i have never been in so much pain in my life,

I get up to the hospital they take me into a room and the doctor comes in to check me out, i will never forget the words she told

"im sorry there is nothing we can do you are 8cm, you son is being born today im sorry"

in an instant my heart smashed into a lot of tiny pieces,

I got danielle to call my husband he came straight in, i dont really remember to much of what happend,

i know i was bleeding a heap, they said that i lost just under 2L of blood in 4 hours, i had to have 2 blood transfusions, and an epidural as they thought i had to go for an emergancey c section,

then we had a lady come in and tell us that Bryce would only have a 20% chance of surviving and ot of that 20% there was a 50% chance that he would not make it through the night

so daniel and i had to play god, either get bryce worked on even though he might not make it or jsut hold him untill he passed away in our arms, it was the hardest decision daniel and i ever had to make,

So we decided to just hold him, though 30 mins before i have him he passed away as i couldnt feel him move or kick me and the nurse couldnt find his heart beat,

I remember getting al tired and dizzy then the doctors and dnaiel yelling at me breath sarah breath, stay with us, you need to breath,

though thats all i can realy remember thoughi no at 3.45pm 23/04/08 little bryce was born weighing 595 grams 29 cms long and had a head size of 21.5 cms,

we buried him the day beofre mothers day,

im sorry its really sad though i jsut wanted to let everone now