3 Questions

How long has it been since you lost your child/ren? Has your grief changed at all? Is your life becoming any easier or is it just harder as time passes?

It has been 12 months and 3 days since we lost bryce, I have my good days and my bad days, atley i have had more bad days then good, Life has been getting a bit easyer as we have jsut welcomed Bryces little brother Jason into the world, Jason also looks just like Bryce so in some ways it makes it harder,

How do you feel when you see pregnant women when you are out and about?

I honestly used to hate seeing pregnent ladies around, as i used to think its not fair, why them and not me, i think the ladies must of knew buy the look on my face and how i would almost cry, they would look at me and smile to as if to say "im sorry", it took a good while for me to get over the hurt and pain of seeing pregnent ladies, though now i am fine with it, as i know a little life is so presious (sp)

Whats your therapy in the aftermath of losing your child/ren? Do you go to counseling? Do you do artwork or some kind of exercise or do you simply just let yourself be? What helps you?

i used to get therapy though i found it made me worse, i usallylisten to music to cope with it all, as Bryce used to love my singing it used to put him to sleep, so if i feel down i jsut put on some tunes and sing, sometimes i will jsut have a big cry and let it out sometimes that workes, or i jsut talk to other Angel mums and share what i am going through with them,
or if I get to bad i will go down and see Bryce and ask for the strength to get through all of it,

**update** just called the hospital to see if he has lasted at least 4 hours off the CPAP and at 8.50 they had to put him back on, he only lasted jsut over 2 and 1/2 hours off it, he had a pretty bad brady and apnia, they needed to give him stimulation and the facial oxygen I am so scared for him

Jason Update :(

ok so DH and I have jsut come back from the hospital this evening from seeing jason,And the nurses told me that he had an xray the other day of his chest, so i asked what the results where and they told me he has Chonic Lung Desise.... um hello... why didnt any one call me and tell me??????and his PDA is still open :( and he is now to old for the medication so the only way to close it if it doesnt close on its own is surgury :(:(:(:(:(:(they told me tht there is a chance that he might be sent homeon oxegyn... though he might not need if for long, though tells me not to get stressed or panik?? like WTF!!!!! my son has lung problems... and heart problems that could be fatel though dont stress??????? yeah right.......



though on some what of a good news We might be bringing Jason home as early as in 4 weeks, she said between 4 to 6 weeks and we shoudl be bringing him home

Today

well we went and see bryce today and took him down a cup cake, i cryed and cryed now i am realy tired

The Day

Well the day has come :(

Happy First Angel Day Bryce,
mummy daddy and Jason love you so very much,
There isnt a day that goes by that we do not think of you
There isnt a day that goes by that we dont love
You was taken to soon
to Precious for this world
In our hearts and our minds you will forever stay

I love you Bryce and miss you so very much
Love mummy

stop tomorrow

Can someone stop tomorrow from even coming?
i dont want it to come :(

1 year tomorrow

Its been 1 year tomorrow since Bryce was taken for us, im not ready for htat day to come, though i know there is no stopping it, im not fully ready to say good bye,
I want him here with us, not up there,
How can i say a final good bye when i am not ready
i still think its a dream some days an di am going to wake up from it :( and he will be in my arms,
Its jsut not fair,
Why do we loose the things we love the most for

I was jsut wonderig does any one know how to add a playlist to the side of your blog?

A poem for Bryce

Would you know who i was?
If you seen my face?

Would you know my gental touch?
If i held you in my grasp

Would you know how much you would be loved
If you wasnt taken to the heavens above

Would you have wanted to go?
If it wasnt your time?

I wonder what you would look like now
Would you look like me?or would you look like your dad?
Would you be talking now?
Or better yet even walking?
You know just how much mum and dad loved you and will always love you
Wouldnt you??

God???

Im so cranky at him, i really am,
i want to knwo what gives him the power to take away someones life? or even worse an unborn childs life? how can he have the right to do that? how does he choose the life he is taking away??

does he jsut pull that babies name out of a hat? or jsut look down on us and say oh ill take yuor baby and your baby oh and why not you look like you really want your lets jsut take yours to?

Im really sorry you guys prolly wont agree with me though i am really angree at him, what gave him the right to take my son form me? didnt he think i could give him a good enough life?
Like yeah he took Bryce away from us then blessed us with another baby Jason, though we almost lost him to, and i voweld that i would never loose jason and if he was going to take jason as well he would have to take me with him,

Though what made our little boy so special?
as selfish as this may sound wasnt there an old person that could of taken Bryces spot? or was that all planned out for him?

I dont understand how that works?
Why do we get to fall pregnent if our bodies are jsut going to take our children away from us? do they jsut want to set us up for heartbreak and sorrow???

then people tell me that he is in a better place now, no he isnt thats what hurts so much a better place for Bryce would be in his mummy and daddys arms, not on a cloud looking over us,

Im really sorry for saying all this, please do not think that i am selfish, i am jsut so angry
I jsut dont understand on how all our children can be taken away from us,

Mums Speak Out

I thought i would take the time to tell everyone who follows this blog and who also read it that my Best friend leonie and I have created a forum for other mums, to come and have support if they need it, to ask for advice, or just to make some new firends, all the ladies on here have been great towards me, they have been a lot of support, and have given it to me with the weeks leading up to Bryces first angel day,
if anyone would like to have a look around or is after some more firends please feel free to have a look around or even to join,
http://mumsspeakout.forummotion.com/forum.htm
at the moemtn we have 2 angel mums, myself andanother lady who has been great :) we are al mums or mum to be's on the site, and i invite you all to have a look,

Dream

I have been having really weired dreams latley, most of them are vivid or they are just stupid

one of my most reacurring dreams is that i bring Jason home and he starts talking i call out to Jason though he answer "mum im not Jason i am Bryce" and then his head turns in a full 360,

So then i will wake up in a full panik

so Bryces Angel day is coming up i am going to be take a few photos of his resting palce, i will up load them then as well,

I recived my "name in the sand request" yesterday off carly they are jsut lovely

Its really amazing what life throws at you, i see a lot of Bryce in Jason and it is upsetting at times, though i feel Bryce around us when we are there visiting Jason, they were nearly identical when they were in the womb, Though Jason was ment to be a twin, i lost his little brother or sister early on in the pregnancey at like 4 to 6 weeks, so Jason is our mirical baby, and we are blessed t have him,

well thts all i can think of at the moment im sure ill be posting more through out today

Take care all

Sarah xxoo

White Ladies

e used white ladies funeral home for Bryce's service they are a bunch of lovely ladies, expecialy one lady named Jeniffer she made the second worse day of my life more peaceful and bearable (sorry im not the best speller)

They let us have the service how we wanted it, the didnt push us for the most expencive stuff either,

And also jeniffer out of her own poket got some photos done for us of Bryce as we only had the ones from the hospital here are a few of them

She also gave me several phone calls jsut to see how i was copeing, though the one thing that surprised me the most was she took her weekend during the week so she could be at the service for Bryce (it was on a saturday)

sorry for once again posting about bryce i jsut wantd to share that with you all

once again

take care all

Love sarah

Bryce

So my partner and i are starting to get ready for Bryce's first angel day, as it is really hard for the both of us we dont talk about it, i found that the web site http://www.namesinthesand.net/ has really helped me and the lovely carly inside, i read the stories in there and i cry and in some ways as bad as this sounds its good to know that i am not allown with the hurt that i am carrying,

i now dont feel as guilty as what i used to,

I still blame my slef for not going to the hospital in time with bryce, after calling the hospital to tell them that i was having pains they told me it was only braxton hixs and not to worry about it, that was at 6 am ont he 23/04/08, i called a friend of mine as i was really scared and didnt know what to do, though deep down i knew what was going on i jsut didnt want to face it, 9is that normal??)

at about 9am my firend showed up to take me back to her place, at this stage the pains were coming and going, though it was about a 30min trip to her place, i got there made a coffee, went to the toilet started getting some more pains, so i went to check my cervix to make sure i hadnt started to diolate, though i was really swollen on the inside

I went out and told danielle what was going on and that i had started to bleed,

Then the pain had hit, i am on all fours at her back door panting like a dog, and screeming out its to soon its to soon,

the hospital tells danielle to bring me up to get checked out so she puts me in the car with a towel under me, the pains get worse, at this stage they are about 2 to 5 mins apart lasting form 1 to 5 mins,

I really felt like i was going to die, i have never been in so much pain in my life,

I get up to the hospital they take me into a room and the doctor comes in to check me out, i will never forget the words she told

"im sorry there is nothing we can do you are 8cm, you son is being born today im sorry"

in an instant my heart smashed into a lot of tiny pieces,

I got danielle to call my husband he came straight in, i dont really remember to much of what happend,

i know i was bleeding a heap, they said that i lost just under 2L of blood in 4 hours, i had to have 2 blood transfusions, and an epidural as they thought i had to go for an emergancey c section,

then we had a lady come in and tell us that Bryce would only have a 20% chance of surviving and ot of that 20% there was a 50% chance that he would not make it through the night

so daniel and i had to play god, either get bryce worked on even though he might not make it or jsut hold him untill he passed away in our arms, it was the hardest decision daniel and i ever had to make,

So we decided to just hold him, though 30 mins before i have him he passed away as i couldnt feel him move or kick me and the nurse couldnt find his heart beat,

I remember getting al tired and dizzy then the doctors and dnaiel yelling at me breath sarah breath, stay with us, you need to breath,

though thats all i can realy remember thoughi no at 3.45pm 23/04/08 little bryce was born weighing 595 grams 29 cms long and had a head size of 21.5 cms,

we buried him the day beofre mothers day,

im sorry its really sad though i jsut wanted to let everone now

Not to Long to go

Well its not long now until bryce's first birthday or now as i call it his angel day, the day that we had him seems so close like it was only yesterday not 1 year ago

Welcome

hello everyone and welcome to my journey through life, after having a little angel, then several months later giving birth to his little angel,
I was suggested to write a blod to help let out the stress i am holding on to and also to get all my emotions out on paper, there will be good entries and bad entries,
It is late here know though i willpost more tomorrow