Well yesterday was Bryce's second christmas with out us,
it was quite upsetting, i was trying to stay happy for jason as it being his first
though i didnt feel right being happy knowing that he would like to be here as well
Bryce's yellow butterfly came and visited me yesterday before any one showed up and i wished him a merry christmas
the butterfly landed right beside me and sat there for about 10 mins, i new it was bryce, I am sure he would of loved ebinghere if he was able to
i just miss him so much
Merry christmas Bryce
Friday, December 25, 2009
Saturday, October 31, 2009
Missing him Deeply
I seem to be missing Bryce so much more these days,
I have been told by several people that the pain will ease one day, and instead of it hurting i will be able to smile,
I am starting to hate my self, as i am forgetting what he looked like, what he felt like, what he smelt like
I wish that i held him for longer and talked to him more.....
as i know i wil never be able to do this again
its been jsut over 18 months since my special little man grew his wings and wanted to see what heven was like before mummy and daddy,
it still feels like yesterday I miss him so much
i dont go out and visit him as much as what i should any more as its hard to becuase everytime i go out there with Jason he doesnt like it and we have to leave as jason screams the place down,
Im waiting untl i get my comuter back and i will be making a special video of bryce, with the photos of my belly with him, his ultrasound photos the photos that the funeral home got for us and also the photos of his final resting place,
Its going to be hard to make it though i at least owe Bryce that amount of respect
I have been told by several people that the pain will ease one day, and instead of it hurting i will be able to smile,
I am starting to hate my self, as i am forgetting what he looked like, what he felt like, what he smelt like
I wish that i held him for longer and talked to him more.....
as i know i wil never be able to do this again
its been jsut over 18 months since my special little man grew his wings and wanted to see what heven was like before mummy and daddy,
it still feels like yesterday I miss him so much
i dont go out and visit him as much as what i should any more as its hard to becuase everytime i go out there with Jason he doesnt like it and we have to leave as jason screams the place down,
Im waiting untl i get my comuter back and i will be making a special video of bryce, with the photos of my belly with him, his ultrasound photos the photos that the funeral home got for us and also the photos of his final resting place,
Its going to be hard to make it though i at least owe Bryce that amount of respect
Sunday, October 11, 2009
Good Days, Bad Days
as we all know we have our good days and then we have our bad days,
I have been having quiet a few good days, though i jsut read of a lady who lost her little boy to SIDS and he was only 11.5 weeks old,
My heart just broke for her, i dont know what its like to loose a child to SIDS thoughi do know what it is like to loose a child,
if i could Please get all you ladies to pray for Jackie, and he family for the loss of you son Kai,
My heart breaks so bad when i see something like this as no parent should have to go through this,
though please may i ask everyone for there support for Jackie and her family in this time in need
Thank you
I have been having quiet a few good days, though i jsut read of a lady who lost her little boy to SIDS and he was only 11.5 weeks old,
My heart just broke for her, i dont know what its like to loose a child to SIDS thoughi do know what it is like to loose a child,
if i could Please get all you ladies to pray for Jackie, and he family for the loss of you son Kai,
My heart breaks so bad when i see something like this as no parent should have to go through this,
though please may i ask everyone for there support for Jackie and her family in this time in need
Thank you
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Sunday, September 27, 2009
17 months
so its been jsut over 17 months since my little man grew his wings,
everyone told me that it gets easyer, though i still remember the day like it was just yesterday, the voice of the doctor telling me "im sorry there is nothingwe can do, you are going to have your little boy today",
i still remember the heart ake in my husbands eye and i still remember the piece of my heart that was taken that day,
i dont think it gets easyer.......
some days i really need to think about what he looked like, what he felt like and what he smelt like,
some days i cant really remember and others its clear as anything
i love you litle man
everyone told me that it gets easyer, though i still remember the day like it was just yesterday, the voice of the doctor telling me "im sorry there is nothingwe can do, you are going to have your little boy today",
i still remember the heart ake in my husbands eye and i still remember the piece of my heart that was taken that day,
i dont think it gets easyer.......
some days i really need to think about what he looked like, what he felt like and what he smelt like,
some days i cant really remember and others its clear as anything
i love you litle man
Sunday, September 13, 2009
hello
hey guys i jsut wanted to give this link to you all to have a look at,
i have decided to do a blog for this little pumpkin,
so feel free to read and keep updated
http://anewlifeanewbeggining.blogspot.com/
i have decided to do a blog for this little pumpkin,
so feel free to read and keep updated
http://anewlifeanewbeggining.blogspot.com/
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Baby number 3
hey guys so sorry i have been really quite for a while now,
Jason has been keeping me on my toes lol
though yeah about a week ago i found out that daniel and i are expecting baby number #3, i took another pregnancy test this morning and plain as all day there were 2 lines,
Im shocked and scared and thrilled all at the same time i really dont know how to feel,
Im so so so scared that i am going to go into pre term labour again, and i would really love to go full term
I have a doctors apointment tomorrow to get a refferal for an ultrasound, so i can find out how far along i am,
As a few ladies that i have spoken to have said that the + line was really dark for only being 8DPO so either i am further along or its twins,
i guess we jsut have to wait and see
Jason has been keeping me on my toes lol
though yeah about a week ago i found out that daniel and i are expecting baby number #3, i took another pregnancy test this morning and plain as all day there were 2 lines,
Im shocked and scared and thrilled all at the same time i really dont know how to feel,
Im so so so scared that i am going to go into pre term labour again, and i would really love to go full term
I have a doctors apointment tomorrow to get a refferal for an ultrasound, so i can find out how far along i am,
As a few ladies that i have spoken to have said that the + line was really dark for only being 8DPO so either i am further along or its twins,
i guess we jsut have to wait and see
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Heartbreaking
um the other day i was hit by a car( i got reversedinto) the car was going to hit my shopping trolly with jason in it so i jumped infront and copped the full blast of it
Jason is ok though not hartmed at all
i coped a pretty bad hit to the hip, and i have re craked my hip again, (this is now the 3rd time it has been cracked)
so yeah i went to the doctor he sent me for x-rays, and yeah he told me not to have any more children for 5 to 10 years, though he advises that i dont have any more at all, because my hip is that stuffed now i will not be able to carry any more,
i know that i have jason and i am so so so greatful
thoughits jsut heartbreaking being 23 and being told that i can not have any more kids,
Jason is ok though not hartmed at all
i coped a pretty bad hit to the hip, and i have re craked my hip again, (this is now the 3rd time it has been cracked)
so yeah i went to the doctor he sent me for x-rays, and yeah he told me not to have any more children for 5 to 10 years, though he advises that i dont have any more at all, because my hip is that stuffed now i will not be able to carry any more,
i know that i have jason and i am so so so greatful
thoughits jsut heartbreaking being 23 and being told that i can not have any more kids,
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Ways to remember
I have been trying to think of ways to remember Bryce, i know i will never forget him as i have parts of him up and around the house (his little things) i would love to dosomething for other mums, to let them knw they are not alone, thogh i jsut dont know what....
does anyone have any suggestions?
does anyone have any suggestions?
Thursday, July 2, 2009
More photos of Bryce
hi girls there isnt a post here jsut photos thank you for taking the time to look
I just cant let go... i know i need to though i just cant, they ssay its ment to get easyer though its not, it still feels like it was yesterday we had Bryce and for them saying they cant do anything to help him "we advise you jsut holdhim until he passes"
i still remember the moment he passed away, and stopped kicking :(
taken from a lady by the mane of Amber22406 off fertility Friend
this is the link to post
http://preg.fertilityfriend.com/PCircles/viewtopic.php?t=1889180
What Not to Say
When trying to help a woman who has lost a baby, the best rule of thumb is a matter of manners: don't offer your personal opinion of her life, her choices, her prospects for children. No woman is looking to poll her acquaintances for their opinions on why it happened or how she should cope.
• Don't say, "It's God's Will." Even if we are members of the same congregation, unless you are a cleric and I am seeking your spiritual counseling, please don't presume to tell me what God wants for me. Besides, many terrible things are God's Will, that doesn't make them less terrible.
• Don't say, "It was for the best - there was probably something wrong with your baby." The fact that something was wrong with the baby is what is making me so sad. My poor baby never had a chance. Please don't try to comfort me by pointing that out.
• Don't say, "You can always have another one." This baby was never disposable. If had been given the choice between loosing this child or stabbing my eye out with a fork, I would have said, "Where's the fork?" I would have died for this baby, just as you would die for your children.
• Don't say, "Be grateful for the children you have." If your mother died in a terrible wreck and you grieved, would that make you less grateful to have your father?
• Don't say, "Thank God you lost the baby before you really loved it." I loved my son or daughter. Whether I lost the baby after two weeks of pregnancy or just after birth, I loved him or her.
• Don't say, "Isn't it time you got over this and moved on?" It's not something I enjoy, being grief-stricken. I wish it had never happened. But it did and it's a part of me forever. The grief will ease on its own timeline, not mine - or yours.
• Don't say, "Now you have an angel watching over you." I didn't want her to be my angel. I wanted her to bury me in my old age.
• Don't say, "I understand how you feel." Unless you've lost a child, you really don't understand how I feel. And even if you have lost a child, everyone experiences grief differently.
• Don't tell me horror stories of your neighbor or cousin or mother who had it worse. The last thing I need to hear right now is that it is possible to have this happen six times, or that I could carry until two days before my due-date and labor 20 hours for a dead baby. These stories frighten and horrify me and leave me up at night weeping in despair. Even if they have a happy ending, do not share these stories with me.
• Don't pretend it didn't happen and don't change the subject when I bring it up. If I say, "Before the baby died" or "when I was pregnant" don't get scared. If I'm talking about it, it means I want to. Let me. Pretending it didn't happen will only make me feel utterly alone.
• Don't say, "It's not your fault." It may not have been my fault, but it was my responsibility and I failed. The fact that I never stood a chance of succeeding only makes me feel worse. This tiny little being depended upon me to bring him safely into the world and I couldn't do it. I was supposed to care for him for a lifetime, but I couldn't even give him a childhood. I am so angry at my body you just can't imagine.
• Don't say, "Well, you weren't too sure about this baby, anyway." I already feel so guilty about ever having complained about morning sickness, or a child I wasn't prepared for, or another mouth to feed that we couldn't afford. I already fear that this baby died because I didn't take the vitamins, or drank too much coffee, or had alcohol in the first few weeks when I didn't know I was pregnant. I hate myself for any minute that I had reservations about this baby. Being unsure of my pregnancy isn't the same as wanting my child to die - I never would have chosen for this to happen.
• Do say, "I am so sorry." That's enough. You don't need to be eloquent. Say it and mean it and it will matter.
• Do say, "You're going to be wonderful parents some day," or "You're wonderful parents and that baby was lucky to have you." We both need to hear that.
• Do say, "I have lit a candle for your baby," or "I have said a prayer for your baby." Do send flowers or a kind note - every one I receive makes me feel as though my baby was loved. Don't resent it if I don't respond. Don't call more than once and don't be angry if the machine is on and I don't return your call. If we're close friends and I am not responding to your attempts to help me, please don't resent that, either. Help me by not needing anything from me for a while.
If you're my boss or my co-worker:
• Do recognize that I have suffered a death in my family - not a medical condition.
• Do recognize that in addition to the physical aftereffects I may experience, I'm going to be grieving for quite some time. Please treat me as you would any person who has endured the tragic death of a loved one - I need time and space.
Please don't bring your baby or toddler into the workplace. If your niece is pregnant, or your daughter just had a baby, please don't share that with me right now. It's not that I can't be happy for anyone else, it's that every smiling, cooing baby, every glowing new mother makes me ache so deep in my heart I can barely stand it. I may look okay to you, but there's a good chance that I'm still crying every day. It may be weeks before I can go a whole hour without thinking about it. You'll know when I'm ready - I'll be the one to say, "Did your daughter have her baby?" or, "How is that precious little boy of yours? I haven't seen him around the office in a while."
Above all, please remember that this is the worst thing that ever happened to me. The word "miscarriage" is small and easy. But my baby's death is monolithic and awful. It's going to take me a while to figure out how to live with it. Bear with me.
http://preg.fertilityfriend.com/PCircles/viewtopic.php?t=1889180
What Not to Say
When trying to help a woman who has lost a baby, the best rule of thumb is a matter of manners: don't offer your personal opinion of her life, her choices, her prospects for children. No woman is looking to poll her acquaintances for their opinions on why it happened or how she should cope.
• Don't say, "It's God's Will." Even if we are members of the same congregation, unless you are a cleric and I am seeking your spiritual counseling, please don't presume to tell me what God wants for me. Besides, many terrible things are God's Will, that doesn't make them less terrible.
• Don't say, "It was for the best - there was probably something wrong with your baby." The fact that something was wrong with the baby is what is making me so sad. My poor baby never had a chance. Please don't try to comfort me by pointing that out.
• Don't say, "You can always have another one." This baby was never disposable. If had been given the choice between loosing this child or stabbing my eye out with a fork, I would have said, "Where's the fork?" I would have died for this baby, just as you would die for your children.
• Don't say, "Be grateful for the children you have." If your mother died in a terrible wreck and you grieved, would that make you less grateful to have your father?
• Don't say, "Thank God you lost the baby before you really loved it." I loved my son or daughter. Whether I lost the baby after two weeks of pregnancy or just after birth, I loved him or her.
• Don't say, "Isn't it time you got over this and moved on?" It's not something I enjoy, being grief-stricken. I wish it had never happened. But it did and it's a part of me forever. The grief will ease on its own timeline, not mine - or yours.
• Don't say, "Now you have an angel watching over you." I didn't want her to be my angel. I wanted her to bury me in my old age.
• Don't say, "I understand how you feel." Unless you've lost a child, you really don't understand how I feel. And even if you have lost a child, everyone experiences grief differently.
• Don't tell me horror stories of your neighbor or cousin or mother who had it worse. The last thing I need to hear right now is that it is possible to have this happen six times, or that I could carry until two days before my due-date and labor 20 hours for a dead baby. These stories frighten and horrify me and leave me up at night weeping in despair. Even if they have a happy ending, do not share these stories with me.
• Don't pretend it didn't happen and don't change the subject when I bring it up. If I say, "Before the baby died" or "when I was pregnant" don't get scared. If I'm talking about it, it means I want to. Let me. Pretending it didn't happen will only make me feel utterly alone.
• Don't say, "It's not your fault." It may not have been my fault, but it was my responsibility and I failed. The fact that I never stood a chance of succeeding only makes me feel worse. This tiny little being depended upon me to bring him safely into the world and I couldn't do it. I was supposed to care for him for a lifetime, but I couldn't even give him a childhood. I am so angry at my body you just can't imagine.
• Don't say, "Well, you weren't too sure about this baby, anyway." I already feel so guilty about ever having complained about morning sickness, or a child I wasn't prepared for, or another mouth to feed that we couldn't afford. I already fear that this baby died because I didn't take the vitamins, or drank too much coffee, or had alcohol in the first few weeks when I didn't know I was pregnant. I hate myself for any minute that I had reservations about this baby. Being unsure of my pregnancy isn't the same as wanting my child to die - I never would have chosen for this to happen.
• Do say, "I am so sorry." That's enough. You don't need to be eloquent. Say it and mean it and it will matter.
• Do say, "You're going to be wonderful parents some day," or "You're wonderful parents and that baby was lucky to have you." We both need to hear that.
• Do say, "I have lit a candle for your baby," or "I have said a prayer for your baby." Do send flowers or a kind note - every one I receive makes me feel as though my baby was loved. Don't resent it if I don't respond. Don't call more than once and don't be angry if the machine is on and I don't return your call. If we're close friends and I am not responding to your attempts to help me, please don't resent that, either. Help me by not needing anything from me for a while.
If you're my boss or my co-worker:
• Do recognize that I have suffered a death in my family - not a medical condition.
• Do recognize that in addition to the physical aftereffects I may experience, I'm going to be grieving for quite some time. Please treat me as you would any person who has endured the tragic death of a loved one - I need time and space.
Please don't bring your baby or toddler into the workplace. If your niece is pregnant, or your daughter just had a baby, please don't share that with me right now. It's not that I can't be happy for anyone else, it's that every smiling, cooing baby, every glowing new mother makes me ache so deep in my heart I can barely stand it. I may look okay to you, but there's a good chance that I'm still crying every day. It may be weeks before I can go a whole hour without thinking about it. You'll know when I'm ready - I'll be the one to say, "Did your daughter have her baby?" or, "How is that precious little boy of yours? I haven't seen him around the office in a while."
Above all, please remember that this is the worst thing that ever happened to me. The word "miscarriage" is small and easy. But my baby's death is monolithic and awful. It's going to take me a while to figure out how to live with it. Bear with me.
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Sorry
I’m sorry i’m not your little angel any more.
I’m sorry I stopped to care
I’m sorry I never stoped to listend to you dad,
I guess it was all just fear.
I no i’m not the little girl i was before
I no im not the little angel that you used to adore.
I’m not the little sweet girl that used to bring you your coffee in bed,
When you had to much to drink and had your sore head.
As i know i’m not as sweet as sugar
But no one goes through life with a golden feather
I’m sorry dad Im not like you
Im sorry our father daughter relationship is through
Im all grown up now
As hard as it is for me to say,
Its time for me to spread my wings
And fly away
You have always been there for me
but now that i need you the most
You want nothing to do with me
And thats what hurts the most
I’m sorry Please forgive me
its time for me to go
Im sorry that i hurt you dad
thats all i needed you to know
I’m sorry I stopped to care
I’m sorry I never stoped to listend to you dad,
I guess it was all just fear.
I no i’m not the little girl i was before
I no im not the little angel that you used to adore.
I’m not the little sweet girl that used to bring you your coffee in bed,
When you had to much to drink and had your sore head.
As i know i’m not as sweet as sugar
But no one goes through life with a golden feather
I’m sorry dad Im not like you
Im sorry our father daughter relationship is through
Im all grown up now
As hard as it is for me to say,
Its time for me to spread my wings
And fly away
You have always been there for me
but now that i need you the most
You want nothing to do with me
And thats what hurts the most
I’m sorry Please forgive me
its time for me to go
Im sorry that i hurt you dad
thats all i needed you to know
Sunday, June 28, 2009
I wish
I wish i knew what to say
to make all the pain jsut go away
I wish i knew what was happening
before it all happend
I wish i knew now
what i knew then
I wish i held you for longer
instead of pushinig you away
I wish i looked in to your eyes
and said i love you more times than i did
I wish you were here now,
and not jsut in my dreams
I wish you were here now
so you could be apart of our family even more
I widh i had the strength
to take your brother down to meet you
I wish i had the courage
to make every day hurt less
I wish you was here now,
instead ill close my eyes
and see you there
to make all the pain jsut go away
I wish i knew what was happening
before it all happend
I wish i knew now
what i knew then
I wish i held you for longer
instead of pushinig you away
I wish i looked in to your eyes
and said i love you more times than i did
I wish you were here now,
and not jsut in my dreams
I wish you were here now
so you could be apart of our family even more
I widh i had the strength
to take your brother down to meet you
I wish i had the courage
to make every day hurt less
I wish you was here now,
instead ill close my eyes
and see you there
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
every now and agan
Every now and again i jsut sit and wonder, i wonder how life could be and why it has turned out like this?
Everyone tells me that things happen for a reason, and i know this,
So as much as it hurts i think i should/need to let Byce go, i have his stuff around our house that remind me of him i also have his photo up :) and his little brother remindes me jsut of him so in everyway i have bryce around me all the time, it does hurt like hell to let go, though yeah life does move one, and i am sure he would want me to be happy
Everyone tells me that things happen for a reason, and i know this,
So as much as it hurts i think i should/need to let Byce go, i have his stuff around our house that remind me of him i also have his photo up :) and his little brother remindes me jsut of him so in everyway i have bryce around me all the time, it does hurt like hell to let go, though yeah life does move one, and i am sure he would want me to be happy
Sunday, June 14, 2009
not a good day :(
Well today isnt a good day for me, i keep getting flash backs of Bryce and its ripping my heart out so much,
i regret not holding him for htat long, i regret not tellimng him i loved him that much on the day, i regret not giving him a kiss,
these are the things i should of done, i cant do them now,
when the nurse brought him over to me i pushed them away.....
i wish i held him for longer,
i jsut want him back,, i want jason to have his older brother back.....
its so not fair how can god take a child away....
i know i should be happy because i have Jason and i am, though it doesnt take the pain away,
Jason looks like Bryce so much,
im not being greedy i am happy with jason i love him to death and nothing will/would ever change that, though why cant i have them both
i regret not holding him for htat long, i regret not tellimng him i loved him that much on the day, i regret not giving him a kiss,
these are the things i should of done, i cant do them now,
when the nurse brought him over to me i pushed them away.....
i wish i held him for longer,
i jsut want him back,, i want jason to have his older brother back.....
its so not fair how can god take a child away....
i know i should be happy because i have Jason and i am, though it doesnt take the pain away,
Jason looks like Bryce so much,
im not being greedy i am happy with jason i love him to death and nothing will/would ever change that, though why cant i have them both
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Monday, June 1, 2009
Jasons Home
Well Jason is now home, he has been home since 30/509 and its now 2/06/09 i am so tired... thins are a lot differant than i thought they would be, i couldnt get him to go to sleep, and i cryed :( i think i am sick, my throat is all swollen, im dizzy tired, nose is running and all i wanna do is sleep,
Jason is now looking alot like his older brother, some nights its really hard to look at him,
Im trying to catch up on sleep though its not really happening,
daniel tries to help out though doesnt really do much he feeds him for me when i am to tired to, though i am stilw aiting for him to helop with withthe house work though i dont think thats going to happen,
sorry i havnt been on much to read other peoples journals and so forth im jsut really tired..
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Sorry
Sorry everyone that i havnt been on much, i have been trying to get things ready for Jason to come home to, its not long now until he does come home :) i Really can not wait :) and i knwo that his big brother is looking out for him :)
Saturday, April 25, 2009
3 Questions
How long has it been since you lost your child/ren? Has your grief changed at all? Is your life becoming any easier or is it just harder as time passes?
It has been 12 months and 3 days since we lost bryce, I have my good days and my bad days, atley i have had more bad days then good, Life has been getting a bit easyer as we have jsut welcomed Bryces little brother Jason into the world, Jason also looks just like Bryce so in some ways it makes it harder,
How do you feel when you see pregnant women when you are out and about?
I honestly used to hate seeing pregnent ladies around, as i used to think its not fair, why them and not me, i think the ladies must of knew buy the look on my face and how i would almost cry, they would look at me and smile to as if to say "im sorry", it took a good while for me to get over the hurt and pain of seeing pregnent ladies, though now i am fine with it, as i know a little life is so presious (sp)
Whats your therapy in the aftermath of losing your child/ren? Do you go to counseling? Do you do artwork or some kind of exercise or do you simply just let yourself be? What helps you?
i used to get therapy though i found it made me worse, i usallylisten to music to cope with it all, as Bryce used to love my singing it used to put him to sleep, so if i feel down i jsut put on some tunes and sing, sometimes i will jsut have a big cry and let it out sometimes that workes, or i jsut talk to other Angel mums and share what i am going through with them,
or if I get to bad i will go down and see Bryce and ask for the strength to get through all of it,
It has been 12 months and 3 days since we lost bryce, I have my good days and my bad days, atley i have had more bad days then good, Life has been getting a bit easyer as we have jsut welcomed Bryces little brother Jason into the world, Jason also looks just like Bryce so in some ways it makes it harder,
How do you feel when you see pregnant women when you are out and about?
I honestly used to hate seeing pregnent ladies around, as i used to think its not fair, why them and not me, i think the ladies must of knew buy the look on my face and how i would almost cry, they would look at me and smile to as if to say "im sorry", it took a good while for me to get over the hurt and pain of seeing pregnent ladies, though now i am fine with it, as i know a little life is so presious (sp)
Whats your therapy in the aftermath of losing your child/ren? Do you go to counseling? Do you do artwork or some kind of exercise or do you simply just let yourself be? What helps you?
i used to get therapy though i found it made me worse, i usallylisten to music to cope with it all, as Bryce used to love my singing it used to put him to sleep, so if i feel down i jsut put on some tunes and sing, sometimes i will jsut have a big cry and let it out sometimes that workes, or i jsut talk to other Angel mums and share what i am going through with them,
or if I get to bad i will go down and see Bryce and ask for the strength to get through all of it,
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